RARE!PAIR FICLETS
Insanity that sprung forth by me starting my own meme. I just planned to give thoughts on the rare!pairs, not actually write fics!Harry/Ron
Harry looked at Ron and pushed his glasses back on his nose, thinking that perhaps they'd slipped and caused certain . . . things to appear distorted in the curve of the glass.
Nope. Ron was just hung.
"Er. You don't expect me to . . ."
"No!" Ron squeaked, attempting to cover himself with his hands (his fingers, though long, were not quite long enough). "Bloody hell! I just . . . y'know. Thought maybe you'd . . ."
Harry sat down hard on his trunk, and he wondered how that same motion would feel in the morning if . . .
Ghnerk.
"Only we've got a match next week, Ron! I need to, you know. Sit on a broom."
"Right, yeah! I know! Bugger . . ."
Harry made a most attractive snorty-squeaky-choking noise. Ron went red all over.
All over.
"Look, mate, we don't . . ." Ron looked away from Harry. "Now see here, it's really not fair that you haven't . . ."
Harry stood up quickly again. "Right! Yeah, you're right." He swallowed and started loosening his tie. "So. If you don't expect me to—" he gestured to Ron, then started on his trousers "—then I suppose it's up to me to. . . ."
"Bloody hell!"
"Or we could not—" Oh, Ron hadn't meant to be objecting.
He'd been reacting to Hermione walking in.
Harry looked down as his trousers fell to the floor.
Bloody hell.
Harry/Luna
"Look, Luna, are you sure Neville won't mind . . . ?"
"Oh, Neville and I have an understanding. What about Ginevra, will she mind?"
"An understanding? Oo, mind that, m'wand's in there."
"Yes, that's the point, Harry. And yes, an understanding. It's quite all right, I promise he won't be cross."
"Here, let me . . . oh. So, um, yes. Right. Understandings are, yes, good."
"Don't be nervous, Harry Potter. I know what I'm doing."
"Oh, ha, I bet you do, Luna. I . . . hold off, is that . . ."
"Yes, a Flouty-Legged Humphuetzle. The sweat is an aphrodisiac."
". . ."
"Are you okay, Harry? Only you've gone all . . . ! Mmmmmphmmm. Oh, Harry!"
Remus/Regulus/Sirius
When Sirius went out to buy muffins from that little corner shop that Remus liked so much, he didn't expect to come back and find his brother stripping off while Remus stared in shock.
But naturally, that's exactly what he did find.
"WHAT the fucking HELL is going on?!"
Remus shook his head quickly, his eyes wide, but Sirius knew his Moony wasn't the one to question here.
"Sirius, I—" Regulus tripped over the leg of his trousers as he got stuck trying to put them back on quickly. He sprawled to the ground, and neither of the other men moved to help him up.
"No, really," Sirius said, putting the muffins down carefully on the table. "What are you doing here? And why do you appear to be trying to get naked in front of my husband?"
Sirius thought he said that rather calmly, and that he ought to be rewarded for his mild temperament of the moment.
"Pads, honestly, he just came barging in and asked where you were, and when I said you were out he . . ." Remus gestured to his brother-in-law, clearly not sure what to make of the sight.
"I just wanted to, to understand," Regulus whined. "I wanted to know what kind of power he has over you!"
Sirius snorted. "What kind of power? He loves me, you stupid git! It has nothing to do with sex." He frowned, exchanged an amused glance with Remus. "Okay, it has a lot to do with sex, really good sex, kind of amazing, really. . . ."
"The point is," Remus said, interrupting what was sure to end up as another of Sirius's monologues on the benefits of Remus's come as a facial cream, "it's not just the sex. And even if it was, why would you think that you could just—"
"Well I hadn't thought that far ahead!" Regulus yelled, apparently not finding it odd that he'd not thought much beyond stripping awkwardly for one Remus Lupin. "But I was sure that you'd . . . show me things."
Sirius scratched his chin. "You know, Moony, he was just a kid when he died. Fair bet he was a virgin."
"Oi! Was not!"
Now Sirius snorted. "Okay, with a denial like that you know he was." Sirius squared himself to his brother. "Look, the thing is, no one gets to have Remus alone. Just me." He waved his left hand. "I wear the ring, I get all the privileges. However . . ."
The look of hope in Regulus's face was nearly too much to bear, and Sirius had to refrain from cracking up. Luckily, as always, Remus was there to take over.
"You want to blow me? Or I can blow you?"
Regulus licked his lips. "Would you . . ." He looked uncomfortable, but determined. "You know." He hitched a thumb back over his shoulder, his intent clear.
"No." Sirius said one word but it spoke louder than anything. Remus only fucks Sirius.
Regulus nodded quickly. "Right, of course." He eyed his brother. "So . . . what's your role?"
Sirius looked at Remus for a long moment, then nodded. "You blow Remus. Then you'll find out."
It wasn't very much longer before Regulus found out that, of all the disgusting and uncomfortable things he'd seen and in his service to the Dark Lord, none of it could compare to the feeling of his brother's tongue stuck up his arsehole.
Sirius laughed for nearly an hour after Regulus ran from the house screaming.
James/Regulus
James was outside tending to his perennials when he heard the unmistakable sound of a man running away screaming from Sirius's tongue.
It was unmistakable because James himself had made this sound many times, both in his life and in his death. Normally he had Lily to calm him down and replace the terrible memory of Sirius's tongue doing lewd things with the reality of her own tongue doing lewd things, and that was really all right. (If given some Veritaserum, James might be forced to confess that the last three times alone had involved deliberate provocation of his best mate in order to end a small dry spell with his wife.)
But the fact was that Lily was not home right now. Even if she was, James had no intention of letting her tongue erase some other man's scarring memories.
When he saw the younger Black come running down the road, James realised that the only thing to be done was to take care of this himself.
He hurried out into the street ahead of Regulus, his hands held out to stop the young man. "Oi!" he shouted, hoping to be heard over the screams. "Let's calm down here!"
Regulus stopped and glared at James. "I . . ."
James nodded. "I know. The tongue. You're not alone, kid."
He could see that Regulus was trying to hold himself together, and some kind of weird urge pushed James forward to embrace his mate's brotehr, and ickle Reggie hugged back hard, clutching at James's back.
"There, there. It's okay now."
"It was everywhere," Regulus moaned. James, still powered by some unknowable force, turned his head and kissed Regulus's cheek.
"It always is. You can't stop it; it's like it has a mind of its own." Privately, James blamed the Animagus form, conveniently forgetting that Sirius's tongue had been up to its tricks since the day they met.
"How . . . how do you forget?" Regulus asked. His face was so forlorn and pitiful, that James could do nothing else but kiss Regulus softly on the lips. Perhaps this was why Lily was always so willing to help James when he was in this state, there was just something about a broken man that was impossible to not try to fix.
Of course, when Regulus pulled away again and screamed again and ran away down the road again, James was forced to concede that the healing process worked better when you loved the healer, or at least were wildly attracted to her.